Truly Powerful Leadership

A Pain-2-Power Book
Dr. Keith Ablow

Introduction


Leaders may be born with DNA that gives them the intelligence and creativity to start companies or run them, to start movements or lead them, to recruit teams or captain them. But DNA is just part of the equation. Because the path to truly powerful leadership runs right through the center of one’s life story—from the earliest chapters to the most recent ones. And the experiences we live through, including the people we encounter, can create both positive patterns of thought, behavior and emotion, as well as negative ones.

Truly Powerful Leadership requires removing the negative patterns (which create painful resistance to achieving goals and motivating others to achieve them) and building upon the positive ones. No negative pattern is too deep or pervasive to overcome. And no positive pattern is so perfect that it can’t benefit from a seasoned, studied perspective.

Every leader is a story. Every story can be optimized.

Stories of leaders and the organizations they lead rise or fall on the strength of their underlying narratives. Those narratives must not be based in fiction. They must be factual, in order to tap into the power of truth to trigger motivation, momentum, ingenuity and courage in the face of the inevitable challenges en route to success.

I hope the chapters that follow will be helpful as you embrace the bold impulse to lead and as you hone your vision of the imaginative, inspired, transformational things you intend to, and deserve to, make into realities.


Why Team Up With A Coach?


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Perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned is that most of us have yet to learn how powerful we can truly be. Our greatest talents, passions and possibilities are buried treasures waiting to be discovered.

The Four Conversations that Changed You


We human beings are extremely connected to one another—so much so that even one conversation can change your life. But I think that it can be very instructive and healing to think of four conversations you’ve had that impacted you: Two of them positively, and two negatively. These conversations may have occurred recently or many years ago. Recalling them now can bring back the positive energy the great ones conveyed and allow you to remind yourself to be on the alert for (and rid yourself of) negative messages that the discouraging or damaging ones may have left you with.

Give yourself a bit of time for this exercise. I chose the word “exercise,” intentionally, by the way. Bringing back these important discussions with others will strengthen your sense of self. It’s like a short visit to a metaphorical gym for the mind.

If you’re having trouble identifying the four conversations, think of the people you feel most fortunate to have (or have had) in your life and the people you have felt least supported by. Then, try to remember the exchanges between you that were either high points or low points.


I picked the word “exchanges” intentionally, too. The positive and negative messages that people convey to one another are a little like software patches. They can integrate with our self-concepts in wonderful ways or destructive ways. The Four Conversations is about embracing, again, the “software upgrades” and getting rid of the “software viruses.”

Once you have identified The Four Conversations, distill them down to the central messages that made you choose them. Maybe someone recognized a core talent of yours—and told you, directly. Maybe someone convinced you of their unconditional love for you. Maybe someone told you that they’d heard wonderful things about you from one of your parents, and you’ve never forgotten how warm that made you feel. On the negative side, there are almost certainly conversations that—wrongly—made you doubt yourSELF, made you feel unworthy or made you wrongly second-guess a decision or direction in life.

We are, all of us, products of each and every moment we have lived, to this very moment. Coming up with your Four Conversations is just one way to make sure that what impacted you, very positively or very negatively—and may be continuing to affect you—doesn’t go unnoticed or forgotten.

What is Your Vision?


Whether you are running a corporation, starting up a company, sculpting, painting, writing running for office or starting a family, you should have a vision of what you hope to create. The human imagination remains, for so many people, an untapped—or underutilized—treasure that can not only help you avoid obstacles by anticipating them, but also create a map that helps you “see” the goals you truly want and then actualize them.

One of the amazing things about a vision is that it can go viral and inspire others to adopt it and devote themselves to it. But in order to do that, it has to be authentic for the person who shares it and has to be powerfully communicated.

There are certainly visions that sweep into one’s mind with great force and clarity. But, more frequently, manifesting them requires dedicated time and introspection. It will pay tremendous dividends for you to take that time and commit to that thought process. Just some of the questions you will want to ask yourSELF and “see” the answers to might be:

• Is the project or path I imagine one that truly merits my time and attention—is it worthy?
• As I embark on this new project or path, what do I truly want to see it result in? What is my real goal? What will I define as success?
• What is the most magical, moving incarnation of this project or path? How can I best strike the balance between not limiting my vision, but not tilting it toward pie-in-the-sky fiction?


• Since I am likely to need others to actualize the project or path, how can I communicate to them why they should help bring my vision into reality? Why should they devote themSELVES to it?
• What am I willing to do to achieve my vision? Would I ever abandon it? What am I willing to put at risk to achieve it? Is my risk-tolerance too high or too low?

In order to answer these questions in a meaningful, practical, yet passionate way, it is absolutely critical to understand the visionary—that would be YOU. If you have had a tendency to shy away from worthy goals, you’ll need to figure out why. If you have had a tendency to embrace goals without understanding the arduous steps needed to make them happen, you’ll need to figure that out, instead. If you have struggled to motivate others to embrace your vision when you need them to synergize with you, there’s an answer to that problem, too.

The likelihood that a vision is expansive enough and achievable is affected at least as much by the person imagining the goal as it is about the goal itself.

Self-examination doesn’t just clarify your internal landscape of thought and emotion; it clarifies the road ahead for everything you wish to manifest in this world.

Communicating Your Vision Powerfully


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How to Listen (a Little More Powerfully)


Most of us think we are pretty good listeners. That may be true, but listening is actually an art. And like every art, it can be refined. Because of my many years listening to many thousands of people’s life stories, including their opinions, challenges, goals and dreams, I want to share a few of the insights I have gleaned about listening powerfully.

The first insight is this: People rarely say everything they need to, without being encouraged to say more. The reasons for this are numerous, but may include underlying anxiety about revealing too much, the mind’s inherent limitations to cohesively and completely share information, along with the worry many have about “going on too long.”

Being a more powerful listener means encouraging the person speaking to share more. One way to do this is simply to prompt the person to continue. You can make eye contact and literally say, “Say more . . .” That will usually lead the other person to dig more deeply into his or her thoughts and feelings and actually present them.

You don’t even have to state your invitation for the other person to open up more. You can literally make eye contact and gesture with the fingers of your overturned hand, in the way you would motion to someone to come closer. People will almost universally understand this a request for them to bring out more of their genuine thoughts and emotions.

Another way to encourage the person speaking to share more is to repeat a bit of what he or she just said. If a person were to say there is “nothing left of the relationship,” you might say, “There is nothing left . . .” Interestingly enough, this encourages the other person to be more specific and accurate. And, in so doing, he or she may well be more revealing. “Well,” the person may end up saying, “I guess it isn’t exactly true that there is nothing left.” That’s your cue. You might ask: “So what remains of value, do you think?”


Another insight about listening more powerfully is: People don’t always want to go first. Sometimes, they want to know they are in the company of someone who is a friend of self-disclosure. And the best way to reassure them of that fact is to do it. That means, for instance, that if you’re hoping to offer a listening ear to someone who has lost a loved one and is reticent to speak of it, you might get a lot of mileage about sharing your own feelings of loss or your fears about loss. Translation: It’s remarkable how much being vulnerable and human encourages others to do the same.

The third insight about listening powerfully is this: Confidentiality is key, but you have to mean it. When you know that you can keep someone’s confidence and that you intend to, say so. It puts people at ease. Be direct: “Whatever you tell me is between us, period, without exception.”

There are other keys to more powerful listening, but the three I’ve mentioned are a great start.

How to Have a Strong Opinion and Listen
at the Same Time


Too often, having a firm position on something seems to stop people from seeking further input from others or truly listening to opposing views when they are offered. The “stance” taken by many who are resolute about their ideas seems to be like an intellectual immune system with antibodies primed to seek out and destroy anything quite different.

You can almost feel this intellectual immune system at work in another person if you start to share your ideas about what should happen at your company, or in your family, or to your country and your audience (whether of one or many) holds up a hand to signal you to stop, walks away, looks away, or starts to yell.

You can often feel this intellectual immune system in yourSELF, too. Signs include shaking your head within seconds of someone beginning to present a direct challenge to your way of thinking, rolling your eyes, asking no follow-up questions or making your argument, again, before the other person has finished making his or hers even once.

Having a heightened intellectual immune system is a sign of weakness, not strength.


Those with truly strong opinions, grounded in fact and honed through much reflection, are in no rush to dismiss opposing views. They want people to attempt to poke holes in their reasoning, in order to test what they believe. They want others to share their philosophies so that these ideas can be understood as deeply as possible and assessed for veracity.

In order to maintain strong opinions without turning a deaf ear to other opinions, it is best to play interviewer, not debater. The effort at the front of one’s mind should be devoted to learning and understanding, rather than undermining, the other person’s opinion, view or theory. This requires almost “forgetting” what we believe to be true and becoming, again, a student absorbing the widest range of theories.

You needn’t worry; your opinions will come back to mind soon enough. You won’t lose yourSELF by temporarily becoming a listener, first and foremost. What you will gain is intellectual courage to contemplate the subjects you have held most dear.

How to Have Strong Opinions


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The Fine Art of Delegating


Bringing almost any project to fruition involves delegating. Whether you are running a company or a community project or, for that matter, part of a family household, being a one-person show generally won’t do. While sharing responsibility for getting things done might seem natural and even a relief, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. It turns out to be an art.

Think of the CEO or Founder of a company. The responsibility for the success of the venture—which may even have been that leader’s idea—ultimately rests with him or her. Leading is going to require creating a team and then empowering that team to take on the multitude of tasks necessary to deliver a service or produce a product and then sell it in a way that is profitable. It requires delegating.

Lots of resistors can gum up the circuitry involved in delegating, however. The leader may feel so attached to his or her vision, or so anxious about it being successful, that what the leader is really asking for is for every element of the work to be done exactly the way he or she would do it. But people generally don’t operate that way (thankfully). Valuable collaborators take ownership in their work and seek to be creative in executing it. Making such talented individuals mimic a leader, guess at his or her intentions or worry excessively about not bringing back work that is too “original” can short-circuit creativity and dispirit creative minds.


It is common for leaders to delegate, but then to quickly judge the work product they receive and do the work themselves, anyhow—even if the work is worthy. And that’s just one of the reasons that leaders often need to reflect on themSELVES and discover if there are reasons, sometimes events in their earlier life experiences, that led them to inherently distrust the work of others. As incredible as it may sound, one CEO and I discovered that her getting a “D” on a group project in middle school, when her team didn’t come through for her with the work they had promised, was a significant element in her being too ready to take over group processes in the company she had launched.

It isn’t just CEOs. A father I worked with was at odds with his son about the completion of a renovation project on their house. He felt he had been very clear with deadlines and expectations and was paying his son for his help. But he kept stepping in so frequently to point out how the work ought to be done, and at what pace, that his son “quit.” It didn’t take long to figure out why the project ended up in conflict: The father had himself been judged harshly by his own dad—in many different instances; the modeling of a father-son relationship was “off.” In order to not reproduce that toxic dynamic, I had to help my client revisit his flawed relationship with his dad and express feelings about it that he had buried—for decades.

The Art of Delegating


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Can it really be the case, you might wonder, that someone running a billion-dollar company could be less effective as a delegator because of a toxic dynamic in that CEO’s childhood, youth or adolescence? It truly could be and often is. That is the power of the past—when it goes unexamined—to contaminate the present and the future.

The good news: Our life stories are never beyond our understanding and, therefore, we never lose the opportunity to write powerful chapters in the future, clear of issues from the past. That’s what Pain-2-Power is all about.

Real Productivity Is About Fulfillment


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Giving Powerful, Productive Feedback


Giving powerful, productive feedback might sound easy, but it is another art form for leaders and all collaborators—whether at work or in any aspect of life.

Powerful feedback differs from just stating an opinion. Stating an opinion takes into account only the person sharing it. What do I think about this work I am evaluating? How am I feeling about what my brother said at the family gathering last weekend?

Giving powerful, productive feedback takes into account both the one sharing his or her opinion or impressions and the person or persons receiving it. It takes into account the effect of the feedback on its intended audience—whether an individual or an entire staff, whether a friend or a group of friends, whether a family member or a family, entire.

Productive, powerful feedback incorporates these elements:

-It is clear.
-It is as complete as possible.
-It is as objective as possible.
-It isn’t a form of venting; it is a form of educating.
-It doesn’t dispirit; it inspires.
-It seeks not just to provide direction and inspiration for the moment, but into the future.


-It isn’t only given when something is wrong; it is given (as in, positive feedback) when things go right.
-To the extent possible, it identifies patterns in need of change, not just single actions or efforts that could be (or could have been) improved upon.

While the list is incomplete, I hope it helps make it clear that productive, powerful feedback has a life of its own, beyond the moment it is given. It stimulates thought, emotion and, generally speaking, action in the recipient. Think of it more like handing a work of art back to someone who will add layers of paint to the canvas or go on to paint more canvases, not like giving back a test to a student, with red marks indicating where the person got something wrong. (I always hated those red “X’s” and “-2” marks, by the way. Didn’t you?)

When feedback isn’t productive and powerful, it is often because the person sharing the feedback is letting his or her emotions dictate what is communicated. Feedback is one time when it’s important to gently nudge yourself out of the way, lest you communicate your irritability or disappointment too intensely and paralyze the next phase of effort from the person you hope will devote him- or herself to needed efforts.

Now, of course, since this is ME writing, you might be able to predict my next point: In order to “gently nudge yourself out of the way,” you need to KNOW yourself well. Because I promise you, that if, for example (and I could give 100 examples), you had a father or mother who gave very stern feedback to you as a kid that you will either do the same thing or avoid giving any negative (and needed) feedback at all—until you examine your life story and disrupt that counterproductive pattern. But that’s where Pain-2-Power can help, so don’t worry a bit.


A Way to Give Negative Feedback That Actually Gets Heard


So many people have had negative experiences with negative feedback (sometimes, very early in life) that they are ready to react defensively—even when the feedback is well-meaning and constructive. We are all human. We all have egos. And all of our egos have been bruised, at one time or another, when someone was not constructive, dead wrong or extremely inelegant in offering it.

One productive technique to make sure a person can “hear” and make use of negative feedback is to presume that the way in which someone is underperforming does not represent his or her best self or ultimate potential. The person can do better. The person has a blind spot for how to make it happen—a resistor in the circuit of his or her best intentions. This automatically allows you a “prejudice” in that person’s favor. It gets you into a healing, helpful mindset that will register consciously or unconsciously with the person receiving the feedback.


By the way, this isn’t about avoiding the necessity to give negative feedback. Giving negative feedback is often essential. It’s about making that feedback easy for the recipient to accept and act upon.

How might this work? Take as an example someone who has submitted a report about a project. The report is lacking in needed details. One could either begin a meeting about the shortcomings of the report with a funereal tone and launch into its shortcomings or one could begin optimistically, even with a smile: “I think you’re a big picture person and you like getting things off your desk. And there’s power in that. You can’t teach people vision. Sometimes, though, big picture people need to slow down and sweat the details. I do, too. Trust me. And this report is slim on details. I tell you that because I know the tendency to rush to complete things and the tendency to focus way down the road. But that tendency needs to be reined in. Because, ultimately, we need the work to be excellent. And, frankly, you can do better.”

Or, consider giving someone feedback about tending to cut others off as they are speaking during meetings. Simply stating, “Joe, you have to stop interrupting people,” is likely to make Joe feel badly about himself and might well lead him to be defensive. After all, Joe may have heard about his habit before—maybe at a much younger age when he felt much more vulnerable. But what if you started with a prejudice in Joe’s favor by saying, “Joe, when you have an idea, you’re like a race horse at the gate. I can see it in your eyes and the way you lean forward. And I appreciate that enthusiasm. What I want to help you with is avoiding running out the gate to present your ideas when it’s not the best time—like, if someone else is talking at a meeting. And I feel badly because I see that happening quite a bit. You don’t have to jump the gun. Your ideas are often strong enough to take center stage, whenever you share them. So, you can afford to wait.”

Again, none of this is meant as a prescription for avoiding or dancing around tough truths. It is meant as a way to not only speak the truth, but to have it be heard. Win-win. Pain-2-Power.

Being Accountable to OneSELF


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Creative Crisis Management


A crisis is a disruption in one’s life story, whether the particular disruption is personal, professional or political. That’s why every crisis requires creative vision, in order to emerge with as little damage as possible—or, preferably, stronger than ever.

In the midst of the crisis, it can be difficult to see the possibility of surviving intact, let alone thriving. And that’s why having someone on board who can see that potential and move methodically toward it is so important.

First, let’s begin with the matter of mindset: I always tell anyone I work with who is faced with a crisis—however daunting it may seem—that the universe intends for the circumstances at hand to partly or substantially remake, not destroy, that individual. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be stress (maybe great stress) involved in the transformation. Life teaches tough lessons, at times. But the end result can always, always be a new beginning.

That mindset should be embraced like an amulet that can protect the person in crisis from becoming paralyzed by panic. The best questions to be asking oneself when crises arise are:


1) In what way am I being asked by the universe (or God, if you are a religious person) to become stronger?

2) How can I use everything that unfolds during this crisis to educate and enlighten people to positive lessons about what I am learning about myself, my company or the world around me?

3) After this storm passes (which it will), what new horizons will I see laid out before me?

Next, start “writing.” I put that word in quotes because narrative isn’t always the written word. Getting to the next chapters of your life story, or your political campaign’s, or your company’s, may involve shoring up your connections with key stakeholders, getting your messaging about the crisis in order, putting that message out, thinking about a next galvanizing project and beginning that project. Precisely what that messaging should be, and what that project should be, is the heart of the strategic craft of crisis management. Every element of the plan should be authentic to the individual executing it.

There is a real way forward. The creative crisis manager helps define what that path is and then walks it alongside the person or the people who find themselves in a storm.

If this sounds like leaning into the wind, it is. And anyone who has been in a storm knows it is the only way to make progress.

I like the words of the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu: “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

When Is a Setback Not a Setback?


As I have been working with clients lately, I’ve been thinking that the very term setback may be a bit of a misnomer. The first two definitions of the word, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary are:

A checking of progress
A defeat or reversal

Looking at the thousands of life stories I have, however, I think it’s worth thinking about the fact that, invariably, what seemed like setbacks in people’s lives turned out not to be. Those “setbacks,” seen from more of a distance, or with greater perspective, or with the passage of time, turned out to be something more like very painful forward momentum. They certainly felt like defeats to the people who lived through them, but they turned out to be inevitable turns of the labyrinth of life that leads, eventually, without exception, to the center.

I have worked with people who felt shattered by the loss of relationships, but who, in time, came to see that those relationships were based on toxic interpersonal patterns. Had they continued “forever,” the relationships would have stood in the way of ultimately recognizing the toxicity and choosing more empowering and loving connections.

I have worked with people who grieved the loss of businesses, only to find reservoirs of courage they never knew existed within them, as they rebuilt those businesses or took on jobs to support the families they loved or focused on artistic gifts they would never have, otherwise.


I have even worked with people who have faced illnesses (which no one wants to have to face, of course) and emerged stronger than before, with clarity about what they valued in life and stronger bonds of love with their friends and family members. I think of Anatole Broyard’s magnificent memoir, Intoxicated by My Illness, in this regard.

The Japanese art of Kintsukuroi is a powerful metaphor for a setback not being a setback. Kintsukuroi is the art of repairing pottery using gold and silver lacquer, understanding that the piece is then more beautiful, for having been broken.

Is it easy to see a setback as forward momentum when it happens? No. It is very, very hard. It requires faith in one’s inner self or in the universe or in God (which, for me, are very much one thing). That faith can help a person see that each of us is a masterpiece still being created. Layers of paint get applied, then obscured, then applied, again. We are all becoming what we were meant to be, from all time. The becoming is ceaseless. And while the ultimate creation can be obscure, especially when pain visits, we can, indeed, have faith that positive transformation is underway—always, inexorably.


What does this require from us today, if adversity should be visiting? It requires keeping our eyes and our hearts open to opportunities to see potential and possibility opening up around us, even as certain doors close. It requires being the person who sees the earth cleave amidst a quake, but decides to explore the “window” onto the core that is thus created. It requires patience, too, because transformation takes time. And, yes, it requires a willingness to feel pain, yet to know that living through that pain with the intention to grow from it is, ultimately, empowering.

When We Stumble,
We Stumble Forward


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Look for the Pivot Points in Your Life


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Pivot Point


As someone who has written screenplays, I was always intrigued by the “plot points” they include. According to Syd Field, one of the most celebrated teachers of screenplay writing, every film includes two plot points—scenes or moments in the story that spin the action in an entirely new direction. Something happens that seems to change everything.

I think there are plot points in life, too. More commonly, my clients identify them as “pivot points.” As in screenplays, pivot points come up in a person’s life that either make the narrative move in an entirely new direction or offer the chance for it to. Not every pivot point, in other words, is a fait accompli, automatically altering the trajectory of one’s existence. Sometimes, it offers the opportunity for such transformational change.

Pivot points can be “positive” or “negative.” One of the main messages I want to share is that either can offer massive opportunity. What seems like a calamity can pave the way for the best years of one’s life—if reimagined as an opportunity.

Some of the common pivot points in life include the sale of one’s company, a promotion, job loss, divorce, the sale of one’s business, the first steps toward actualizing one’s creative vision (as an entrepreneur or artist or anything else). Others include meeting a powerful mentor, having a falling out with a business partner or, for that matter, chaos erupting in the world. Positive or negative, pivot points destabilize the status quo to such an extent that the “building” that represents one’s life is shaken. And the bricks that fall to the ground can be used to rebuild a very different structure—and one that may be a vast improvement over the prior one.

Never Walk Out on Your Life Story


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A big part of taking advantage of pivot points, instead of being paralyzed by them or missing them, entirely, is understanding that good things—even great things—can come from them, even when they are initially very painful. And having the expectation of a positive outcome, actually vastly enhances the likelihood of one.

The late Joseph Campbell, author of
The Hero with a Thousand Faces, put it this way:

It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.

Sometimes, You Just Have to Decide


Werner Heisenberg was a German theoretical physicist and one of the principal pioneers of quantum mechanics—the field that focuses on the ways that subatomic particles (like electrons) move and interact. His most famous work is called The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. The Principle asserted that it is not possible to simultaneously measure the position and the velocity of subatomic particles. The particles are moving too fast and occupy too little space to nail down both where they are and how fast they are traveling at the same time.

Heisenberg used his extraordinary knowledge of the minute world of quantum mechanics to think about the whole of the world around us, too. And he said something very insightful and important about how precise we can really be as we make decisions in life—choosing between one option and another. Here is his insight:

In the practical decisions of life it will scarcely ever be possible to go through all the arguments in favor of or against one possible decision, and one will, therefore, always have to act on insufficient evidence . . . Even the most important decisions in life must always contain this inevitable element of irrationality.


This is advice for the ages. All of us will encounter decisions (in at our jobs, in business, in marriage, as parents or in many other aspects of life) that could be looked at from different perspectives. The choices at hand may have many, many factors that bear on them. We may have valued advisors with important points to make. Yet, in the end, a decision must be made, and it will always involve some amount of “gut feeling.”

Making no decision or delaying so long to make one that your options become very limited can’t be the answer. That takes you out of the equation of your own existence.

It is also important to make sure your “gut feelings” aren’t driven by self-defeating patterns rooted in much earlier chapters of your life story. If trusting others in your family of origin was perilous that doesn’t mean trusting a new partner in business or a new spouse would be equally perilous and ought to be avoided. You gut feelings are driven by software that needs to be “clear,” as much as possible, of any errant lines of code from the past.

Yet, no matter what, there will come a point at which it is simply time to make a decision. Then, I hope you will remember Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, relevant all the way from the world of subatomic particles to the world of our everyday lives.

When Your Life Story Includes Painful Chapters,
Keep “Writing”


Only when it comes to living our lives do we sometimes believe the narrative has veered into intractable darkness. We can be tempted to put down our metaphorical pens because we feel we no longer have the power to “write” chapters of future success, of redemption, of forgiveness, of healing.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The key is to keep “writing” chapters more and more true to who you really are, deep inside. The miracle of being human is that missteps and mistakes are manifestations of life stories that are based on faulty foundations that can be fixed. Always. Every single time.

The key is to expect success—around every corner, from the next chance meeting, from a moment of inspiration, from hard work, from boldly embracing a dream that has been put off for too long, from the healing power of faith itself.

As I have told many clients, no one walks out of a movie theater because the main character is in deep trouble. We wait for the storyline to brighten. We expect success is in the offing. No one puts down a novel because the heroine has lost a treasured relationship or even finds herself alone in life. We anticipate she will be surprised by finding love, again. No one concludes that someone profiled in the media for losing a fortune will never be fortunate, again. We know that a comeback could be in the making. The story of every defeat should end with ellipses . . .


We need to summon the same intention and expectation of better times to come when we confront pain in our own lives. It’s hard. Believe me, I know. It can take the kind of resolve that a marathon runner summons in the middle of the race, running uphill, in pain, when there seems to be no room in his mind to imagine a downhill slope, a cup of water or wind at his back—never mind crossing the finish line, feeling triumphant.

Success, not failure, is the natural state of human beings. We are conveyed, inexorably, toward it. Even when we stumble, we are stumbling forward.

How can this mindset be attained and maintained? One way is to acknowledge the pain of a setback or defeat, while simultaneously resolving to endure any amount of it, in order to reach true happiness and success. This is the marathoner’s way. It is also the backbone of biblical stories like that of the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years before being led into the Promised Land. It is also the story of every individual who keeps writing the best possible pages of his or her life story.

Trust me: If you believe it won’t, then the ink will never run dry. Not ever. Every single day and every single hour we each have the absolute opportunity to keep the narrative moving forward. And is that, in and of itself, not a miracle?


Having potential carries the responsibility to develop and express it. No one happily avoids sharing one's gifts.

Write the Next Powerful Chapters of Your Life Story


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Don't Take a First Class Seat on a Flight Going Someplace You Don't Want to Go


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A Message from My Own Therapist


Back in 1992, I had the privilege of working with a truly gifted psychiatrist. Dr. James Mann was already in his 80s at the time and has since passed away. But his words still resonate with me to this day.

We were talking one day about my writing. I hadn’t published a novel yet, largely because I hadn’t put in the needed effort and taken the needed time to learn to write one competently. It was a simple as that. That explained all the rejection letters I had received. And when Dr. Mann and I explored the reasons I still seemed unsure about investing the time to learn my craft and give it what it needed to flourish, I admitted that spending even more time pursuing it made me worry about sustaining my income. There was no guarantee the next novel I tried to create would be published. There was no guarantee (and far from it) that a published novel would earn any significant money. There was no guarantee that other novels would follow it.

That’s when James Mann offered me words of wisdom I have shared with many of my clients and am grateful to be able to share with you. He fixed me in his piercing gaze and, in a direct, yet kind tone, said, “The last place you want to find yourself is in a first-class seat on a plane going someplace you don’t want to go.” These words have never left me. Now that you have read them, they might never leave you.

Too many of us find ourselves in first class seats on planes going places we don’t want to go. We trade too much of ourSELVES out of fear—fear that we will fall behind financially, fear that we will have invested in a pipe dream, fear that we will learn we won’t ever truly be the creative writers, painters, entrepreneurs, musicians, teachers or, for that matter, parents we quietly believe we can become. Yes, entrepreneurs, teachers and parents are efforting the creation of art, too, whether bringing worthy ideas or worthy people to life.


Are you headed where you truly want to go in life—where your core talents and passions and purpose will be in play? If you’re not, or you’re not sure, ask yourself these three questions:

1) Am I afraid of not succeeding at my true life’s work or am I afraid that, if I succeed, it will consume me? Lots of people resist their true calling because they worry it could take over their more structured, planned, predictable lives. It could, but it wouldn’t be your ruination; it would be your salvation.

2) Are you trying to jump into the deep end, instead of taking the stairs into the pool of your passion? You don’t have to quit your job and write poetry full-time to move toward becoming a poet. Start with a book on writing poetry. Start with one seminar. Start with one beautiful journal you begin to fill with your work. Don’t let total immersion be the enemy of getting started.

3) Do I secretly think I am immortal? Well, you aren’t. I’m not. No one is. We all have limited time on the planet. We never know how much time. Dreams deferred can end up without pages of our life stories left on which to write them. Get started.

It’s time to have a seat on the flight going where you truly want to go in life. It’s your authentic ticket. It will never fail to bring you “home.”

Getting Started on the
Pain-2-Power Pathway


PLAY

How to Know It's Time for
Pain-2-Power


Life is busy. Life is often difficult. Yet, we all need to decide whether we are proceeding at a pace and in a direction and with habits that are serving us best, or whether we need help to accelerate, chart a different course or shed self-destructive patterns.

So, what are some clues that it’s time to partner up with a coach or counselor, in order to become more effective and successful (or even more effective and successful) in life? Here’s a short list, just to get started:

1) You know some of your goals, but you know you aren’t working on them, in earnest.

People often know what they want to see happen in their lives. But they may not be making it happen. So, whether a person wants to initiate a discussion with an employer about a promotion, or start a whole new career, or begin a creative project or start a diet and stick to it, or stop smoking or using alcohol, a coach or counselor can be the one to come up with a realistic plan and hold his or her client accountable for taking the steps to complete it.


2) You know you aren’t content, but really don’t know what would make you feel more content.

We’re all stories. Living our lives while understanding the underlying themes driving those stories, though, can be very difficult. The right coach/counselor can get to the bottom of what is likely to feed your soul—whether professionally, in terms of relationships or in terms of other interests.

3) You have a sense of manifest destiny, but aren’t sure how to manifest it.

Many of us are blessed with the sense that we have special contributions to make to this world, but we’re not sure in exactly which venue, or by taking what specific steps. That can be frustrating, because those feelings of potential are not random. They have meaning. They’re signs that you really are meant to tap into something inside you and make something important happen. Teaming up with a life coach/counselor can not only confirm that your feelings are genuine and deserve to be honored through action, but can also illuminate what your unique gifts are and what your unique contributions can truly be.

4) You seem to keep making the same mistakes in relationships.

Whether you keep hitting snags in professional, personal or romantic relationships, it’s often the case that the same patterns of emotion and behavior keep tripping you up. Teaming up with a coach/counselor can identify those patterns, some of which are deeply rooted in earlier chapters of your life story, and help you move on from them.


5) You feel like you should be further along in life.

I know that sounds pretty generic, but it’s also true. Human beings have a kind of internal alarm system that alerts them when they feel that they are losing pace with their own life plans. Sometimes, by the way, that isn’t so; anxiety is giving the person false signals. But, sometimes, what’s needed is to define what “further along” means to that person, specifically. What does he or she truly value and want to manifest? Once that’s clear, a real plan can be put in place to make it happen.

This isn’t anything like an exhaustive list, but it’s a place to start. The truth is that teaming up with someone dedicated to your success is the answer to lots of life’s hurdles. Going it alone is rarely the best way to get going and keep moving toward the dreams we hold most dear.



About the Author


Dr. Keith Ablow is the founder of Pain-2-Power, the life coaching and counseling system that fuels self-actualization, drives extraordinary achievement and transforms emotional injuries into insights that free us to overcome any challenge.

Dr. Ablow graduated Brown University with a degree in neurosciences, with highest honors, and went on to receive his M.D. from The Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. He trained in psychiatry at Tufts/New England Medical Center and practiced for 25 years.

Dr. Ablow has helped clients across the United States and from more than a dozen countries in Europe, Asia and the Middle East. His New York Times and USA Today bestselling books on the human psyche have been published in 8 languages. He was the host of the nationally-syndicated Dr. Keith Ablow Show and has appeared on countless television broadcasts including the Today Show, Good Morning America, Oprah, 20/20 and CBS This Morning. He has published over 1,000 articles in newspapers and magazines and been profiled in People magazine, the Journal of the American Medical Association, Psychiatric Times, Good Housekeeping, Boston magazine, the New York Post, the New York Times, the Baltimore Sun and The Washington Post.

Truly Powerful Leadership

Dr. Keith Ablow
pain-2-power.com
keithablow.com
info@keithablow.com