I used to think that being empowered meant being tough, pushing myself, ignoring my needs and forcing my way through life – and especially making sure to be just like everyone else.

I couldn’t afford to take my time, set boundaries or take care of my needs first; that would mean exposing my “weakness” and possibly being rejected from the group.

“Survival of the fittest” was the flawed premise that I lived by.

When I discovered I’m a highly sensitive person, I realised that my nervous system works a little differently from others and that it would actually be very detrimental to my way of functioning if I didn’t take that into account.

In fact, crashing completely and having to deal with anxiety disorder for seven years was the hard lesson I needed to learn to finally understand that I was indeed wired differently – and that that was actually OK.

Better yet, I discovered that my sensitivity wasn’t my weakness, it was actually my strength; when given the right conditions to flourish in, that is.

And creating those conditions was up to me.

I had to choose to take responsibility for my wellbeing and not expect the world to adapt to my needs.

And so I’ve learned that when I honour my nervous system, I am naturally empowered.

My herd reminds me of this truth in the most direct and down-to-earth ways every single day and I’ve gathered their teachings – and my learnings – and I share them with you here hoping it is of help on your own journey towards feeling more empowered as a highly sensitive woman as well.

* * *

I love keeping my horses as wild and free as possible and so I haven’t formally trained them.

Mora, the lead mare has had some handling and training in her past, but her three kids, Ringo (3), Timo (2) and Noa (1) haven’t and so I like experimenting with what works for them, without needing to officially train them per se.

Sometimes I do need them to do as I ask and stand still when they get medical care or follow me on the lead rope when they need to move back into their pasture, for example.

How do you do that when they haven’t been taught to do so?

With a lot of patience.

They sense it when I’m in a rush and try got things done quickly and that always backfires.

By now I know and so I barely ever fall into that trap anymore. Horse time is horse time; it’s two times slower than human time, if not more.

They operate at their best when they are in their slow zen state. That’s when their parasympathetic nervous system readjusts, heals and creates harmony within the herd.

This also allows them to move all of a sudden when needed – but for most of the time they take their time and always create peace by doing so.

And so when I do have an agenda and need to get something done, it requires some deep conscious breathing, adjusting my expectations and wants and just following their pace.

When there’s time; there’s space. When there’s space, there’s peace. When there’s peace, there’s trust.

And so when I don’t put any pressure on them, or on myself, everything always gets done.

It just takes longer than “expected.”

And so, the invitation here is to ask yourself:

Where are you putting pressure on yourself, holding on to expectations that are actually working against you?

How can you give yourself more grace, be more patient and allow for time to create more space in what you’re trying to force your way through or towards?

How can you slow down so that peace can manifest in your life as a natural result?

* * *

This is a BIG one for me personally.

I’ve always been afraid of being too much, too loud and “over the top”. I come from a very down to earth culture; I was born and raised in The Netherlands, and so taking up too much space, being too loud, or extravagant is seen as abnormal. Indeed, we have a saying that goes: “act normal, that is already strange enough in itself.”

I am a tall, extraverted introvert with a lot of verve. I’ve very often felt out of place or too much for my culture. In Italy, on the other hand, I’ve always felt very much at home since it’s way more acceptable to be “dramatic”, show your emotions and live life in full colour.

No wonder I made this country my permanent home in 2010.

Nevertheless, our deepest childhood wounds keep popping up again until they’re fully healed and integrated.

This fear of being too much comes up in many different ways and with different faces – the core is simply always the same: I’m not allowed to take up too much space because that makes others (my mum especially) uncomfortable.

Well, I call bullshit on that because it simply isn’t true. I AM allowed to take up my space simply because I am here.

My horses reflect that back to me all the time. Especially my mare Mora who is, surprisingly, very BIG and takes up her space very unapologetically.

She literally moves her kids out of the way to have as much space as she needs.

You cannot ignore her; her presence is very palpable. And so the concept of taking up too much space is completely foreign to her – which I love.

She truly is my muse in so many ways and watching her move the herd with just a flick of her tail – or full on biting and kicking is always an inspiration to me.

She doesn’t apologise for existing – and I certainly have felt that I had to for a big part of my life.

Now I take up my space more, speak my Truth and stand my ground, but it’s taken a lot of healing work on this wound to really step into my full Self, own my sovereignty and embrace the fact that I have the right to be here simply because I exist.

Mora reminds me of that every day simply by being her big, beautiful self.

How do you feel about taking up your space fully?

Where are you showing up smaller than you actually are?

How can you be more unapologetically present in your life?

* * *

The herd often goes into resting mode and it’s the most blissful space to share with them. They get into this zen space and you can literally feel them draw you in there with them. I’m completely calm, at peace and resting along with them in those moments.

It is known that horses influence each other’s heart rates to allow for the parasympathetic nervous system to kick in and to get them into homeostasis, in which healing of the body, mind and soul naturally take place.

They Know that resting is essential to their health and overall wellbeing.

We know too – but not really.

We’re always in a rush, trying to get to the next appointment, tick off the next box, hit the next goal. As you’ve probably heard before, we seem to be more human doings than human beings.

And that’s also what causes a lot of the health challenges in our lives; they are often related to that chronic state of stress we all seem to be locked into.

So, resting is key to our survival too – literally.

And it completely goes against what we’re being fed all the time; we need to be quicker, go bigger and have more, while in Nature it’s all about being present, coming back to peace and creating the best conditions for growth and safety simply to ensure survival.

Stress is very unnatural – and becomes toxic – when exposed to it constantly.

And so how can you break through that status quo of busyness and see where you can rest more than you normally would?

I find that when I’m rested, at peace and clear-headed, I’m actually much more productive than when I’m pressuring myself to get things done.

Yes, in that pressure mode I might be doing stuff, but am I actually creating anything of value?

The clear energy, intention and attention behind something defines its value much more than the quantity, or the frantic energy behind it.

What happens when you slow down when you actually want to rush?

What allows you to really rest – beyond simply sleeping?

What happens when you stop doing and start being?

Can you find a way of moving while residing in stillness?

* * *

Horses are prey animals and so they need to be able to escape instantly in the face of danger. Between fight or flight, a horse will naturally choose flight as a default response, in case he’s not provoked otherwise or has nowhere to flight to. Adrenaline is pumped into his system so that he can flee as quickly as possible and get himself into safety. This is why horses “spook” so easily; it’s their natural way of dealing with danger. 

It’s interesting to watch what happens right after they have brought themselves back into safety again: they often lick and chew to digest the situation and they really take time to take it all in so that they can give it the right place in their body of experience and then find ways to release so they can come back to homeostasis. They go back to grazing when all perceived danger has disappeared.

We humans tend to rush through this process, acting like nothing happened when we “spook” and then get back to business as usual, not taking enough time to digest, process and release our emotions and so they get stored somewhere in our body. And by doing that over and over again, the emotions pile up and eventually need to find a way to be released which often results in excesses of emotions, addictions or ways to numb the pain.

When we don’t pay attention, we become numb to life and can’t feel anything anymore. Feeling anything at all would be dangerous because it might lead to an explosion of all that stored stuff hidden away deep down – or so the nervous system thinks and so it keeps everything tightly locked down.

The horses help in releasing this stronghold on our emotions and allow us to explore them, little by little, getting more and more in touch with our feeling. Which is of the essence if we want to live a full life. Because when we block the “negative” feelings, we also don’t allow ourselves to feel the “positive” feelings.

So, becoming aware of the pattern we have when we experience something shocking, traumatising or just very emotion-inducing (which can also include super positive experiences) is very important in order to manage them better so that we can integrate them into our system, give them their proper place and stay balanced. Horses do this naturally and we have a lot to learn from them.

I remember how I used to just “man up” when something massive happened and I didn’t allow myself to feel all the feelings involved. This eventually lead to me having to deal with anxiety disorder for seven years. It was my way of learning how to feel my feelings. If I had known about the work with the horses back then, this journey would’ve been so much less painful.

So, allowing the horses to teach us, how could you honour your own process better?

How much time do you really need to deal with a big event?

How can you build in more time and space for yourself to come back to centre?

What kind of activities help you deal with your emotions better? Think of journaling, going for a walk, meditating, allowing yourself to cry it out, talk to a friend or a trusted family member, or spending time with horses, or other kinds of animals?

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As highly sensitive women, our needs are amplified. We feel everything and so we must also take care of ourselves and our needs very well in order to be able to even function.

Asking for what you need and taking excellent care of yourself is not selfish; it is of service both to yourself and to others.

When you are well taken care of, your needs are met and you feel you can be your best self, not only do you simply feel better, but so do the people, your work, animals and any other energies you engage with throughout the day.

And so sometimes to get your needs met, it’s important to ask others for help.

This might look like giving you some time before you answer a request, letting you have some alone time so you can process, or doing some chores for you that drain you very much and maybe aren’t as taxing for the other person.

The more I’ve been around animals, the less I go to city centres, supermarkets, large parties, etc. I thrive when I can cater to my own needs, at home where I can spend as much time and space with my animals as I desire. It’s not luxury; it’s a must for me.

And so I might seem weird or not fit the mould, but I’m not interested in that anyway. I care about feeling good within myself, in my life and being able to my best self for the people and animals I choose to spend my time, space and energy with.

My horses have really taught me to be unapologetic about my needs.

Ringo loves scratches on his bum, for example, and he lets me know he wants them by turning his rear toward me and by doing so, pushing me to the side. This is too much for me and so I make that clear by not rewarding that invasive way of asking for his needs. And so I also ask for what I need – and at the same time give him his bum scratches when he asks me safely.

Mora hates walking on a lead rope and I am very aware of that. At the same time, there have been occasions where I really needed her to follow me, when they had gotten out and needed to move back into their enclosure for everyone’s safety, for example. In those moments there really was no other option, this just had to happen and so by being extremely clear in my request, she followed without any problems.

When there’s even the slightest hesitation on my end or she senses space for negotiation, she won’t move. Which I totally get and respect when possible.

In the end, it comes down to clear communication, respecting each other, setting boundaries and taking your needs seriously. That way you can always find a way that works for everyone – you included.

How do you feel you are not getting your needs met right now?

Where could you be clearer in your requests?

What would you actually love someone else to do for you? My partner does the grocery shopping for instance and I absolutely love it because I don’t have to go out and be in a crowded supermarket every week!

How can you cater to your own needs better? Think of: going to bed earlier, switching your phone to airplane mode more often, not hanging out with people that make you feel bad about yourself, avoiding crowded places, eating healthier food, etc.

* * *

Disappointing others is one of the things we hate most as highly sensitive women because we literally feel the other person’s “pain” since we’re so empathetic. Also, because we hate creating conflict or just not being liked.

Yet, if that’s how you live your life, then it will never be your own, but simply run by you trying to avoid disappointing others. And so it’s important to learn how to say no and that starts with knowing that you’re allowed to. You do have a choice. It’s not that because someone else asks something, you should automatically say yes.

You have your own opinion, your own space, your own right to say what you want and what you don’t want.

My horses have been great teachers in this as well – especially Mora.

Mora has very clear no’s. When she doesn’t want to do something, she’ll just communicate that very explicitly. Take the lead rope for instance; she hates having to walk on it and it makes her feel diminished in her sovereignty, which I totally get and have basically understood from the get go. I’m finding ways to be able to move her that respect this need in her so that we can find a beautiful collaboration in which everybody’s happy.

I will not force her to be OK with it, though. Yes, she sometimes just needs to come for safety or health reasons, but for the rest I really try to accommodate her preferences. Not because I’m a pushover and she can just do anything she wants, but because I respect her in expressing her no towards this specific thing.

I realised how much she hated it when I started practising with her kids. Once they got the concept, they were super OK with it and Timo even enjoys it. He loves a challenge and showing that he’s good at something really gives him a boost.

And so it feels like child’s play – literally.

The contrast with Mora’s refusal to walk when she has the halter and the lead rope attached to her face make it even clearer: she really doesn’t want to do it.

When the horses still lived here in front of my home I let them into the garden sometimes. To make them go back into their enclosure I had found this way of energetically expanding my arms as if they were super big and that way I moved them back in. No lead rope necessary and Mora collaborated perfectly.

I need to find a way to do the same in their new field and I’m looking at several options. She shared how badly having the halter on makes her feel in a conversation I had with her through my animal communicator and so looking for alternative ways to have some control over where she goes while respecting her no is my next focus point.

I might learn a thing or two by looking at alternatives instead of just pushing my will through.

How can you respect your own sovereignty more and express your no more clearly?

Where are you saying yes while you truly want to say no?

What are you afraid of will happen when you say no?

Can you see how you actually say yes to yourself when you say no to someone else?

How do you feel when someone else says no to you?

* * *

With setting boundaries and learning to say no, you run the risk of people not liking you – and that’s totally OK.

Mora actually really doesn’t give a f*ck about what others think of her and she is totally fine with herself. It actually makes her very powerful because she doesn’t give her power away to others.

Imagine being more like Mora!

This doesn’t turn you into some hateful character; quite the contrary. When you are really happy with yourself, you don’t feel the need to take your unhappiness out on others and are naturally more generous and keep your heart open at all times. No one and nothing has any power over you and so no need to be in protection mode all the time either.

Of course, when someone gets mean and purposefully hurts you, you move away – but it doesn’t have to affect you and how you feel about yourself.

There are always people that are not going to like what you bring to the table, and that’s normal. You don’t like everyone else either, right?

So, it’s really about learning how to take the focus off of everyone around you, trying to be approved by them and focussing more inwards, nurturing the relationship with yourself and using your energy to do what makes you happy, instead of trying to keep everyone else happy.

Mora is very fierce in protecting her boundaries and so she’s very clear towards her children; she communicates with her ears, a swish of her tail, moves her body and eventually kicks or bites them when they didn’t get the message to stay away.

And her kids still love her to death – and so do I.

I actually love and admire her for her strong opinions and it’s something that many of my clients are inspired by as well.

In fact, this whole ebook was made with Mora in mind. She really is something else and won’t let anyone f*ck with her.

And that’s a good thing.

How much are you trying to be liked by others?

What are you afraid will happen when you’re not liked by them?

How could you work on liking yourself more instead?

If you were more like Mora, how would you show up?

* * *

This is of course the kids’ specialty! They love running around, chasing each other and sometimes even do biting matches to see who lets go first. I’ve always made sure to check whether there was any violence involved by reading their energy very carefully. The two boys can potentially start getting competitive, but it’s all been fun and play so far and I’m sure it will stay that way – also both Ringo and Timo are gelded now, which helps.

Noa was born here and she’s literally landed in paradise; two big brothers to play with, a secure and confident mother and me who gives her everything she needs and scratches whenever she asks. She is so incredibly playful and watching her run around just always puts a big smile on my face.

She represents the playful inner little girl in all of us and in the sessions we often work on allowing her to come out and play. This process has been so healing for so many of my clients.

It’s interesting to notice how Mora lacks this disengaged free play spirit. She has not had the freedom to explore who she truly is through play in her early life and so she literally doesn’t know how to let go and play. She was undoubtedly traumatised in her past and this has put a hold on her freedom of expression.

This is also the lesson that both she and so many of my clients need to learn: let go and play.

In order for that to be possible there needs to be a very solid base of trust and seeing the kids express themselves so freely means that both Mora and I did a great job in making them feel safe.

Mora finds it hard to let go, probably because she’s never been able to or was allowed to.

She’s very obedient and polite in many ways. She won’t be aggressive towards me when I’m touching her, but I am aware that she doesn’t really like it. When I continue anyway (sometimes I just want to get some stuff out her manes and untangle her hair and check for ticks) and she will at some point lash out to some of her kids.

She’s been trained to not act out towards humans, but it has also taken away a lot of her spontaneity and ability to express her happiness - and she also just doesn't really know how to experience fun.

It was most probably beaten out of her and every time I do see her do a little dance of joy when let back out into the field again for example, my heart jumps along with her.

It’s great to be strong and serious, but letting go and playing is just as important.

Now that I’m writing this I see how her inability to let go and have fun was mine as well, especially during my anxiety disorder. I was SO serious and there was no space for any form of spontaneity. It would mean completely giving up control and therefore losing it, which was the scariest thing there was to me back then.

I’ve had experiences of extreme rage from my dad’s end and my mum being uncomfortable with my way of loudly and wildly expressing myself on stage, or with physical affection or by simply being very enthusiastic and so I’ve had to tone it down on many occasions.

In the first case, to avoid a bomb from exploding because I would possibly be disturbing my dad’s peace and, in the second case, because I’d feel disapproved of on my mum’s end when letting go of control and fully being myself for a change.

Mora has come out of a shell over the past two years she’s been with me and by giving her this safe environment. She’s gone from being very closed off and aloof to open, warm and trusting with me and other people.

Who knows, maybe me healing this childhood wound even more myself, it will also allow Mora to open up, let go and play more.

I hadn’t thought of that until I started writing all of this down. Wow. Good stuff.

How is letting go and playing for you?

What allows you to express yourself freely?

What (inner) critic do you hear when you let go and play?

How can you take your inner little girl by the hand and show her that it’s safe to let go, play and be her expressive self?

* * *

This has been my life motto ever since I cured myself from anxiety disorder by moving to Florence, Italy. Of course it was scary, but because my love for my goal was bigger than my fear, I managed – and I got the bonus of freeing myself from that crippling anxiety and stopped taking my meds a little over a year into my Italian adventure.

I’ve lived here since 2010 and I am NOT moving back to The Netherlands.

I’ve learned that when I go for what I truly want, so much more comes out of it than just reaching the goal. I learn, I grow and I get new perspectives on things and people. And the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I can do it while not feeling ready, actually feeling scared and not knowing where I’m going to end up eventually.

That’s also why my online programme is called Take the Leap and has helped many clients do just that; take the leap.

It’s all about doing it scared – and the horses do the same.

When they really want to get somewhere, or are curious about a new thing in their field, they will move towards it, but with caution, sometimes moving back again to take all the time they need to take it in, muster up some more courage and then try again. They are not forced or force themselves and by letting their desire and/or curiosity lead them, they eventually get there. It’s truly beautiful to watch and really inspirational.

The great thing is that when you do something that you’re scared of, your courage actually grows every time. And so you’ll dare to do the next scary thing much more quickly than before. And then again and again and before you know it, you’re living your life by design and don’t even know what you were so afraid of to begin with!

There’s a quote I love that goes:

“Reality is much kinder than your thoughts about it.”

Seneca put it this way:

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.”

And it’s so true.

So if you’re finding yourself in a place where you’re scared shitless of doing something you truly want to do, then just try it a little bit. Take one step. Move in the direction of your dreams and the Universe will have your back. That’s how it’s always been for me; I’ve taken some crazy leaps of faith - and I’m still here. Enriched, encouraged and empowered.

My absolute favourite quote is by Erin Hanson and goes:

“There is freedom waiting for you,

On the breezes of the sky,

And you ask "What if I fall?"

Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”

Indeed, what if you fly?

What would you actually like to do, but are really scared of?

How could you support yourself in taking one step in the direction of actually doing it?

What are you worried about most?

What if I told you that what you’re afraid of barely ever happens and in the rare case it does, you’ll always find a way to deal with it?

What excuses are you giving yourself?

How would it feel to have reached your goal?

Focus on that and GO!

* * *

The herd holds me all the time. I literally feel I’m part of their energetic field and feel so supported by their care for me. And they feel the same about me. They know I truly care about them and want what’s best for them and are uplifted because of it.

Horses care for each other in the herd because their survival depends on it. When everybody is in great shape they can all move and escape from danger. And so they constantly check up on each other and heal each other energetically when needed. They share this very generously with us the moment we step into their field.

It’s all energy. That’s also why the online sessions with the horses work; your energy is there with them in the field and they respond to that, showing you exactly what you need to in order to heal a wound that’s been holding you back in life.

I absolutely love this work and I have gained so much from it myself. They are able to calm my nervous system like nothing else can. Their energy is so grounding that it just carries me through any kind of anxiety, worry or challenge I’m facing in my life.

I feel at home with horses and it’s an honour to be part of their herd and share their magical healing powers with my clients.

If you feel you’d benefit from our support, feel free to reach out and find out more about the work we do.

You can also take a look at my website www.lifecoachsophie.com or send an email to info@lifecoachsophie.com

I hope this e-book has been of help, inspiration and empowerment to you and who knows, maybe see you here in person or online one day.

It would be my honour to help you heal together with my horses.

Big hug,

Sophie & the herd

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